Yesterday I had a great session with a client who while amid her IVF round was trying to cultivate acceptance and detachment to the outcome.
To me, finding acceptance is the silver bullet but like you know, it’s seriously tough to master.
What is acceptance?
Acceptance is making peace with the way things are in this very moment. It’s not trying to change things or wish things were a different way. Simply, acceptance says life’s been crap and I don’t like what’s happening but I accept it and choose to move forward anyway.
One of the things that I found hard about acceptance is it’s a real challenge to find it when you’re trying to conceive month after month. Acceptance demands us to go through the grief cycle and the fertility journey doesn’t allow the grieving processing to begin and end. How can we grieve and find acceptance when we are actively trying?
It isn’t easy!
What I’ve learnt is that it’s not failing to get what we want that hurts it’s the attachment to those dreams not happening that is painful.
I was able to find acceptance with the fact that I would never have children and move forward with my life when I moved to a place of trust.
Trust is knowing that whatever the outcome, you will be ok. That life is unfolding as it should, that things are working out.
When I saw life as intelligent, as bigger than myself, as a great beautiful mystery, I was able to find more peace with my infertility. It wasn’t an easy place to get to, but it is a wonderful place to be when it comes to accepting not having children.
Acceptance and trust are things I’m constantly challenged with. We need our goals and our dreams but somehow need to stay detached from the outcome.
My client was doing amazing. She didn’t feel it, but she was. Acceptance is a process. Go gently with yourself.
Tips For Bringing Acceptance
1. Take the time to heal
Wherever you are in the process know that you must take the time to heal…for your health, your sanity, and your heart. Sometimes it helps to be with our disappointment and process it, sometimes it helps to refocus our energy for a while. Don’t wait until you hit rock bottom or to the end of your journey to do this – it’s important.
2. Connect with others
Feeling alone is very common on the fertility journey. Connecting with others who understand your experience is a huge step into not feeling so alone and in the healing process. Make sure to seek support, whether it’s connecting with others in Facebook groups or through organisations like Fertility NZ run support groups. You will be so glad you did.
3. Take some time to think about why you want a baby
What is the feeling or experience you want? Is it to nurture, to create, to give and receive more love? Maybe you want to leave a legacy or create family and belonging. There are many reasons to want a baby. Whatever yours is focus on creating and bringing more of the feeling in your life.
We love to set goals and follow plans and when things don’t go the way we want them, we can dig in even more and try harder. Sometimes, we are getting in our own way. We think we know what is right but sometimes life/the Universe/God has other plans for us. Surrendering doesn’t mean you let go of wanting a baby, rather you let go of trying to control when and how it happens. Surrendering is a practice and not necessarily easy! If you’re interested in reading more about this, Gabby Bernstein has 5 Steps to Spiritual Surrender which she wrote after trying to conceive and things not going according to her plan.
About the Author
Kathryn Grace is a Life Coach at Fertility Potentials. She is passionate about supporting women on their fertility journey and helping them find acceptance and peace whatever the outcome