I’ve had to let go of many things in my life. Letting go of anything we want but can’t have isn’t easy, but nothing has been as hard to let go of like my baby dream.
I tried for many years to conceive. It impacted my life immensely. I clung to hope and kept trying for longer than I should of. It left me feeling miserable, exhausted, and like a complete failure.
It was so hard to let it go. I wanted a baby with all my heart. I’d dreamed of it all my life.
Letting go of trying to have a baby meant I had to let go of the plan I had for my life. The movie in my head of how I envisioned my life would be had children – lots of them. Letting go of that meant there was a huge, uncomfortable, and painful void.
It felt as though if I got too close to it, I’d fall in and never find my way out.
I held on. I was in limbo – unable to have a baby despite all the efforts, but still desperately hoped for my miracle baby. It was exhausting.
I didn’t want to let go. I was terrified of the free fall – we all are. We think we’ll hit the ground rather than imagine that we can fly. It’s not easy to trust that things can work out the other way too.
Trust has been a tough friendship for me to form. It sounds innocent enough but trusting is certainly not the easy path, well not at first. There is zero control in trust.
It was easy to resist letting go when everyone around me told me not to give up. But I realised that it wasn’t just the baby dream I needed to let go of. I needed to let go of the struggle.
So I made the hardest decision of my life. Once I committed, the rest was easier than I thought.
All I had to do was surrender to what was. I just stopped paddling upstream. Life turned my boat around and I found myself floating downstream. That’s when the healing began.
Letting go helped me grieve and grieving helped me let go. There were years of pain to feel. And the loss of dreams to mourn. I had to forgive myself - for the choices I made, and the ones I didn’t.
I wish I knew then that on the other side of the pain was freedom. But I know trust doesn’t work like that.
The moment I let go of trying to get the thing I thought I should have, the thing I thought would make me happy, I took back control of my life. I may not have been able to control what happened to me, but I could control how I felt about it.
Life had been unfair but it was time to pick myself up and move on.
I got to decide what it meant to be childless, for myself. I decided to create a new future for myself.
About the Author
Kathryn Grace is a Life Coach at Fertility Potentials. She is passionate about supporting women on their fertility journey and helping them find acceptance and peace whatever the outcome.