When my worst fear of not having a baby came true
When it comes down to it, the answer to feeling ok about not having your baby lies in one thing. And if you’re anything like I was, it’s the thing you don’t want to hear.
To get to that place we need to unwind a whole lot of programming. We’re taught that we can get what we want in life, and that includes a baby, if we try hard enough. If we don’t give up, we can have the child we want.
That wasn’t the case for me. When you desperately want a baby, more than anything in the world, more than anything you’ve ever desired in your life, you’re willing to do just about anything.
When I was trying to conceive and it didn’t go the way I planned, I just kept upping the ante. As long as I was doing something, I could feel hope that this was the missing ingredient in the formula to conceive, the silver bullet to my baby dreams.
All along, I tried having a positive mindset and told myself to be grateful. To not give up hope. It worked. Until it didn’t.
After years of trying to get pregnant, not only did I not have a baby, but I was exhausted, miserable, and felt like a failure.
I couldn’t remember a time when I was less happy than I was then. After years of trying to conceive, drugs, treatments, IVF, and baby loss, I had hit rock bottom. I realised that I was already living my worst fear of not having a baby - it couldn’t get worse than this.
All that was left was for me to surrender.
It was the very thing I had avoided. It felt like giving up and it sounded abstract. But I learned it was just the opposite. It was surrendering to reality. By no longer fighting it or denying it, I was allowing what was to be.
It was incredibly painful.
But it also meant that I could start the process of healing.
If I had known that everything would be ok without having a baby, I would have let go years before I did. I didn’t know how to trust that things would work out rather than just hope that I would have a baby. Nobody told me it would be ok.
My infertility taught me something I’m now incredibly grateful for. It taught me how to trust. To trust that even when things seem as bad as they can get, I will be ok. Everything has a way of working out if we allow it to. We are all worthy, valuable, and whole. We are all enough, whether we have children or not.
About the Author
Kathryn Grace is a Life Coach at Fertility Potentials. She is passionate about supporting women on their fertility journey and helping them find acceptance and peace whatever the outcome.
You can find her on Facebook and Instagram.