How I Let Go of the Baby Dream

Kathryn Grace, Fertility Support Coach, Fertility Potentials

When I was young, I often dreamed about what I would be when I grew up. The possibilities were exciting. I felt that I would do something but I just didn’t know what. One thing I did know was that I wanted children – lots of them. Coming from a big catholic family and growing up around other big families, this was just standard. Why wouldn’t I want that? Little did I know that life had other plans.

My husband and I met in London, just before my 30th birthday, and we hit it off. That time of our life was spent travelling, partying and generally living in the moment. We felt young and free - there was plenty of time to settle down.

A few years later we moved back to NZ and settled into sensible jobs, worked hard and saved to purchase our first home. Soon after we got cats and the transition into suburban life was almost complete. Next it was the wedding and then of course kids. We wanted children so much. Even though we were on the slightly older side, we were healthy and ready and believed it would just happen – it was meant to be.

That belief kept us trying for 8 years.

Those years of trying were long. When things didn’t happen as we thought they would, we explored many avenues in an attempt to make it happen. I was going to get pregnant, and I just needed to figure out what was amiss. Specialists told us that there was no reason for the infertility and put us in that lonely “unexplained fertility’ camp. They also explained that even though there was no reason for the infertility, the problem was with me. I was obviously broken and at fault!

We tried everything to get pregnant. I read and researched anything that I thought could help us. There were visits to doctors, specialists, and alternative health practitioners. I thought if we just tried this treatment, or that approach, that it could be the missing piece of the puzzle and the answer to our dreams. Tests were undertaken. Scans were carried out. Blood tests done. Cycles were religiously recorded. Detoxes were done to cleanse my body of the toxins I had consumed and prepare it for new life. Diets were changed. Alcohol was eliminated. Fertility herbs were taken. Fertility drugs were administered. I